Monday, February 20, 2012

This time of the year

This time every year I struggle with depression. I know it is coming, I try to not get down but it is always hard to get past Feb 23. This is Shannon's birthday. I lost my first-born and only son in a freak accident many years ago. I do not know for certain how this effects all mothers that have out lived their children. What are we suppose to do? I like to remember the happiness of his birth, how he looked,how proud it felt to have a son. I have had his pictures out the past week. I look at them and remember the good times. Yes, it is sad and hurtful but lots of women never have a child or a son or have a child that is healthy and makes it to be 19 years old. Shannon was a very special young man, so big in size with a heart that was tender. I look at men his age and think about if he was still with us. I was blessed to have known a sweet boy that loved his mother. I know there is no way to understand why things happen the way they do. It is true what someone told me years past that time would be my friend, the grief would be less and I would be happy again. I am happy but there is still a place in my heart that is empty, there are days the grief feels raw with pain, but time has made things better. I actually go days without thinking about him, sleep weeks without dreams filled with his laughter or nightmares of reliving the loss. God did not leave me even though I was angry and thought I hated him. Instead, he sent his people to help me through that terrible time. He blessed me with another child , grandchildren to enjoy, years of watching my girls grow up healthy and three wonderful son-in-loves!

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